Fan Service
by FrancesOsgood
Summary: Jareth unwittingly (or maybe not) discovers a trove of fanfiction tales about him and his beloved Sarah, and being ever so generous, decides to share.
1. Chapter 1

**Fan Service**

Sarah gasped and her eyes snapped open. What had awakened her? A noise?

_Laughter._

Slowly she pulled the bed sheets and blankets from over her head – she had a habit of burrowing into the bedding—and peeked out into the darkness. Part of her already knew what she would find, but a teensy part of her still desperately hoped that once *_just this once!* _she would be wrong. She wasn't.

Across the room, a strange glow emanated from the area near her desk. Sarah groaned as her eyes adjusted and she was able to make out the form of the Goblin King, his elbow propped up on the arm rest of her desk chair, his chin resting atop a gloved hand, his long legs tossed over the other arm rest. He grinned and chuckled at something glowing faintly in his hand.

"Aw, geez," thought Sarah. "Is it another damned crystal?" She hated those things. But no, it wasn't another crystal. Sarah squinted in the dark to see. He held her tablet computer.

_*Wh—what?*_

His voice broke the silence of the room, but he didn't look up at her. His gaze remained focused on the illuminated screen of the tablet.

"You shouldn't leer, Sarah dear," he said softly yet sarcastically. "It's out of character for you."

"Out of…what?" Sarah stammered. "Jareth, what are you talking about? What are you even doing here?" she gushed on, angrily.

Jareth finally glanced up at her. "Well, reading obviously," he retorted. "That is, until you so rudely interrupted me with your lascivious staring."

Sarah felt her face flush with anger.

"I…rude…interrupted?" she seethed. "How dare you?"

Jareth paid no attention to her fuming, but focused his gaze back on the tablet. "Hmmm…" he purred. "Interesting."

Sarah fell back onto her pillow in frustration.

"Jareth, imply all you like," she said, looking up at the ceiling. "But I have no secret diaries or pictures or videos on that thing, so give it a rest. I have classes in the morning."

"Sarah, Sarah, Sarah," began Jareth, his voice like honey, "This is so much better than any silly diary, or unflattering pictures, or compromising videos. So much better," he chuckled. "Did you know, Love, that you and I are the subject of **fan fiction**?

"What?" Sarah sat bolt upright in her bed and stared at Jareth. He grinned wickedly at her and moved the tablet computer back and forth in her direction, taunting. Throwing her bedding aside, Sarah scrambled out of bed toward the desk, nearly tripping over a carelessly dropped sneaker as she moved to take the tablet away from Jareth.

"Give me that," she snapped, attempting to snatch the tablet from his hands. Jareth swatted her hand away and swiveled the chair around so that his back was to her.

"Now now, let's not be grabby. Unless…" Sarah could imagine the smirk on his pale, perfect face.

She stepped back and put her hands on her hips. "What are you talking about, Jareth? Fan fiction?"

"Yes, Precious," he replied, swiveling back around to face her again. "It's delightful! Well, most of it. Some of it is downright atrocious, but for the most part—"

"Jareth!" Sarah held out her hand. "Give. It. Now."

"Say please."

"Not a chance in hell."

"I thought not," said Jareth. "Well then, what will you give me in exchange?" His eyes narrowed and his arched eyebrows disappeared into his mass of silvery blond hair.

Sarah gritted her teeth. "Give you?" she growled. "I'll tell you what I'll give you. I'll give you three seconds to hand that over, Your Majesty, before I remove your royal jewels and contact juggle with them."

Jareth smirked and Sarah winced remembering that his twisted little mind could turn anything into innuendo.

"Really Sarah," he sighed. "You are ever so demanding. I give you so much, but you're just never…satisfied."

"Jareth…" Sarah warned.

"Very well, Precious. Here's your little tablet. See for yourself what I've found so utterly fascinating." He held the device out to her and Sarah snatched it away angrily."

"You're welcome," Jareth sneered.

Sarah glared down at him. "Can't you ever just _**sit**_ in a chair like a normal…er…person?"

"Not according to that," Jareth replied, gesturing to the tablet. "According to it, I'm always draped over this or lounging seductively over that…" He shot her a lustful look.

Sarah frowned. "It doesn't really say that, does it?"

Jareth swiveled back and forth in the desk chair. "Doesn't it?" he answered smugly.

Sarah rolled her eyes and sighed. "What about me?" she asked. "What does it say about me?"

"Read for yourself, Precious."

Sarah gave him a suspicious sideways glance and Jareth shifted in his seat, folding his legs beneath him.

"Shall I sum up then?" he offered. When Sarah gave no response, he continued. "Most of the authors paint you favorably. You're beautiful, smart, willful, etc. A few are a tad harsh on you. And then there are those more…generous writers who portray you as an impossibly perfect, long-suffering, powerful, she-wolf of a heroine. You know, the kind who would never throw a tantrum, wish her baby brother away to the Goblin King, and then whine and complain about how utterly _**unfair**_ everything is."

Jareth stopped swiveling and scowled at her.

"Hmph!" Sarah offered in reply. He was never going to let that go, was he?

_I was fifteen effing years old!_

She turned to face Jareth who sat gazing at her, his eyes smoldering, his fingers steepled beneath his chin.

"It's not what the authors say about you or me that I find so interesting," he told her, barely hiding his smirk. Sarah raised an eyebrow and he continued. "It's what they say about _***us.***_"

Sarah felt a lump catch in her throat and she fought to swallow it. "Us?" she asked shakily.

Jareth nodded and reached a gloved hand out to her. "May I?" he asked, gesturing toward the tablet. Sarah said nothing, but handed the device to him. He took it from her gracefully and scrolled his finger down the side of the screen, searching.

"Here we are," he said at last. "This one is very…imaginative. You may want to sit down, Precious."

Sarah sat on the end of her bed and listened as Jareth smiled wickedly and began to read.

**Notes: You may recognize a few things here. I have borrowed a bit from some of my favorite stories on this site, but never fear, credit shall be given where it is due.**

**I was largely inspired by Pika La Cynique's lovely webcomic, Girls Next Door. I wanted to capture a bit of the relationship that her Jareth and Sarah have. It's wonderfully witty, and biting and sweet.**

**This is meant to be humorous, so please don't take it too seriously. I'm still working on characterizations, because to be quite honest, I've only seen the film once and that was in 1987 when I was in 5th grade. What you see here is what I've gleaned from other labyfics and GND. **

**I love con/crit. I won't be hateful or mean if you give me an honest opinion. I may kick a chicken at you, however.**

**Love to all,**

**Fanny**


	2. Chapter 2

**Fan Service Part II**

"We did what?" Sarah exclaimed, jumping up from the end of the bed in a rage. She wanted to _kill _him.

"Now now, don't get so upset, Precious. After all, I didn't write it." Jareth stated calmly.

Sarah paced the floor in front of where he sat. "Oh, and I suppose you had absolutely nothing to do with it," she snapped.

"Nothing whatsoever," answered Jareth. "I only discovered these myself this evening."

Sarah stopped pacing, and gave him a look of sheer horror.

"These?" she screeched. "You mean there's more?" Sarah felt suddenly queasy.

"Yes, would you like me to read them to you?" Jareth offered.

"No!" Sarah shrieked in rage. "I want you to go away and leave me alone!"

Jareth studied her, surprised. "This is not the reaction I expected from you after reading you such an imaginative and romantic story, Sarah."

Sarah's eyes blazed as she stared angrily at him. "You don't get it, do you?" she asked. "That story…I…we…romantic?" She threw her hands into the air in frustration.

Jareth rose from the chair and stood next to her, studying her flushed cheeks and flashing eyes.

"What is it, Dearest?" he questioned softly. "What upsets you so?"

Sarah turned to face him and found hius face very near her own. She forced herself not to flinch as her eyes fell on his pale, pink, perfect lips.

"We are not romantic," she replied icily.

A wicked smile spread across Jareth's face and a twinkle of mischief glimmered in his mis-matched eyes. "We could be," he purred.

Sarah faltered, only for the briefest moment, but long enough for him to see and smirk.

"You are insufferable," she told him. "You are an insufferable-"

Jareth touched a gloved finger to her lips. "I know, I know," he said. He flicked his other hand across the tablet screen. "Where was it?" he muttered to himself. "Ah yes, here it is. I am 'an insufferable, egotistical, cheating rat-bastard.' Is that it?"

Sarah just glowered at him.

"Well?" Jareth asked expectantly.

"Well, what?" Sarah echoed, irritated. She furrowed her brow and clenched her teeth.

"I'm waiting for my inevitable, lustful snog." Answered Jareth.

"Your what?"

"Come come, Dearest, that's how it goes, is it not? I'm insulting but irresistible, you're sulky but alluring, we verbally spar, reach an impasse, and then snog each other's brains out, right?"

Sarah opened her mouth to speak, but her tongue refused to form the words. Instead, a strange gurgling sound escaped her throat.

Jareth grinned and took a step toward her. "So, about that snog…"

Sarah stepped forward and leaned into Jareth's face as far as she dare go without touching him. "In your dreams, Jareth," she spat.

Jareth grinned even wider at her, his eyes dancing. "Ooh ooh!" he exclaimed. "I know this bit." With a graceful flourish, he produced a shining crystal and let it glide over his outstretched hand from palm to knuckles and then back again. He cleared his throat and took a dramatic stance as if preparing to recite a line from a Shakespearean play.

"Oh Sarah," he crooned in a melodramatic tone, "If you wish to discuss dreams, I think yours are far more interesting and …creative." He held the crystal out for her to see.

Sarah folded her arms over her chest and glared at him.

"Come now, Precious," teased Jareth. "Don't look at me that way when _you_ set that one up."

"Go to hell, Jareth." Sarah hissed as she walked away.

"Yes, that reminds me… Did you know that I'm the devil?"

Sarah stopped in her tracks and spun around. "You're what?" she cried incredulously.

"Yes, it's all right here," answered Jareth as he tapped the screen on the tablet, scanning the words before handing it to Sarah. She took the tablet from him and read the section he had indicated.

_*Shit!*_

"Impressive, isn't it? I had no idea," Jareth told her proudly.

"Yeah. Big surprise.

**A little (not so little) nod to the always excellent Subtilior in this part. I'll say no more than that in case you haven't read her breathtaking story _In a Glass, Darkly._ If you haven't, shame on you. Go read it. Right now.**

**Oh, and if it isn't obvious, I own none of these characters. They belong to their respective creators. Although, if they asked, I'd gladly take them off their hands. **


	3. Chapter 3

**Fan Service Part III**

"So, you're really not going to kiss me?" Jareth asked, feigning innocence.

"Nope," Sarah replied flatly. She strode back over to her bed and lay down, pulling the covers tight over her head. Without a sound, Jareth crossed the room and sat down on the edge of the bed. He gently ran a hand over the lump of blankets and sheets.

"But Dearest, think of the fandom," he crooned. "What about the fangirls?"

Sarah pulled the bed cover down just low enough so that Jareth could see her deep green eyes.

"The fangirls can go_** fuck **_themselves," she spat before pulling the bed cover up again and turning away form him.

"Tsk tsk, Sarah. Such language. Besides, judging by their stories, I think that's a given for most of them," Jareth stated matter-of-factly.

Sarah sat up and looked at him, a smile playing at the corners of her mouth.

"Did you just make a joke? A joke at the expense of the fandom?" she asked with a giggle.

"I believe I did," answered Jareth with a satisfied smile. Sarah laughed out loud.

"Now _that_," she told him, "is deserving of a kiss."

"Is that all it takes?" chuckled Jareth. "It's too bad most of those poor fools haven't figured that out yet. It could have saved them so much time and creative energy." He looked out into the void of the Fourth Wall.

"Listen now, all of you," he commanded. "If you want to get the two of us into bed, just throw in some one-liners about fan service."

"Hey!" snapped Sarah. "I never said anything about getting into bed with you…"

"Ahem," Jareth motioned with his hand and Sarah realized where they were sitting.

"Oh."

They were both silent for a moment before Jareth finally spoke again. "Shall we just…?"

"Um, yeah. I guess," Sarah muttered passively. "What does the thing say?"

Jareth retrieved the tablet computer from the end of the bed where Sarah had tossed it and browsed through several passages.

"Hmm…" he began. "This one says that I held you against the wall and ran my tongue all over your-"

"Keep scrolling!" commanded Sarah.

"Fine, "said Jareth with a scowl. "But that one sounded rather pleasant."

He scrolled down over more passages, offering her bits of each one.

"Up against your front door?"

"Nope."

_*Scroll*_

"In the oubliette?"

"No way."

_*Scroll*_

"Sitting on my lap in the throne room?"

*Sigh*

_*Scroll*_

"In the bog while…oh wait, never mind."

"What?" asked Sarah, intrigued.

"Nothing," answered Jareth, hastily scrolling past. "It didn't involve you."

"Oh? Who did it involve?" Sarah asked slyly, arching a dark eyebrow.

"You don't want to know."

"Oh, but I _do!_"

"Fine," Jareth answered flatly. "If you must know, it involved Hogwash, or whatever his name is."

Sarah felt the color drain from her face and she shuddered.

"What the hell is wrong with these people?" she asked sickly.

Jareth shrugged his shoulders and continued scrolling. "Let's see…" he mumbled, his eyes scanning the screen.

"We could just…" Sarah began then faltered.

Jareth turned his luminous eyes toward her. "Yes?" he asked expectantly.

Sarah cleared her throat and squared her shoulders and continued. "We could just go for it. You know, unscripted."

Jareth thought for a moment. "Sarah dear, as many of these little stories there are floating out in cyberspace, I don't think unscripted, as you call it, is possible." Jareth's voice sounded wistful.

"Spontaneous then," offered Sarah.

Jareth smiled, liking the sound of that. "Spontaneous," he purred, "I can do."

"Ok then," said Sarah. "I suppose we should set some ground-" she was going to continue with "rules," but Jareth caught her and pressed his mouth hard against hers. Sarah tensed up for a brief moment before letting herself settle against him. He kissed her slowly, languidly.

_What, no ramming me up against a wall or door or *__**gulp***__ bed?_

Sarah moved her mouth tenderly over Jareth's.

_What, no fingers in my silvery blond hair, or silky shirt or cloak, drawing me down with her onto the __***gulp***__ bed?_

The kiss ended and Sarah and Jareth lips parted. They stared at each other, no heaving bosoms or ragged breathing or throbbing extremities. Jareth tilted his head to one side.

"You didn't even bite my lip," he said, only half accusingly.

Sarah smiled wickedly at him. "Maybe next time," she whispered seductively.

She had hoped Jareth would fall of the bed, but he only smiled back at her.

"That's a girl," he crooned. "Keep them coming back for more, eh?"

"Exactly," Sarah answered. "Now, please fly away so I can get some sleep."

"As you wish, Love. May I take this with me?" Jareth asked, indicating the tablet.

"Are you going to read all of those things?" Sarah questioned, an eyebrow raised.

"No, just the ones rated M. They're the most interesting," Jareth replied with a devious smirk.

"Fine, you pervert. Just keep it down, okay?"

"I'll try, Precious," Jareth said as he walked across the room.

Sarah closed her eyes and tried not to think about what he might be doing in her chair. Suddenly, his voice was at her side again.

"Sarah?" he whispered.

"Mmm?" she answered, not opening her eyes.

"Are my pants really that tight?"

"Jareth get that out of my face. Right. Now."

**End**

**Before anyone can accuse me of being too harsh on the fangirls, let me say that I aimed this more at myself than anyone else. I haven't posted a lot here (yet) but I've posted plenty of silly swooning fangirl garbage smutfests elsewhere. There are also several secret notebooks full of this junk hiding under my bed.**

**Still haven't watched this movie again, but I plan to remedy that on Monday when my kiddos go back to school. Mama's breaking out the peaches for a full-on Schmexy Poufyhair McTightpants oglefest. *wolf howl***

**I currently am without Beta. I usually have my English Professor of a husband look over my stuff, but there are just some things I can't show him. Any takers? Anyone? Bueller...?**


End file.
